Day 6.1

First day says wife at home. She made several trips to the “big house.” She even asked for my opinion on setting up TV. Was a full time mom today. School drop-off × 2. Then Costco followed by laundry. Picked up the little on and took her to gymnastics. We went to mall to wait out pickup time on the bid, but she got sick in the mall. Slipped the custodian a $20. Maybe that was a jerk thing to do? Mom knows about our “martial walkabout” now. She asked a lot of questions and said she wouldn't gossip. She said she knew long before me.

Day 4.1

Something to be grateful for today...I don't have prostate or testicular cancers. I passed my screenings.

Day 3.1

Maybe there's something hope today? We're laughing together at least. Need to think about finding happiness and improvement on my own without thinking of some end “goal.”

Day 2.1

Day 2.1

Didn't sleep well last night.  Woke up in a cold sweat.  Monday mornings are always hard...recovering from the weekend stay-up/sleep-in schedule.  Couldn't help thinking what it was going to be like alone.  Just a few more days.  I think I'm relatively well-liked at work.  How did I screw that up at home?

Day 1.1

Day 1.1

It feels weird to see everyone around me act so "normal" when I don't feel "normal" at all.  It's the same feeling I've had when someone near to me dies.  Everyone carries on with their lives, as they should, and yet I feel so empty.  I'm jealous of her and the kids as they seem so "normal" and even happy when I can't shake the feeling I've dug my own grave in some way.  I helped moving the big stuff from our house to her house.  I tried to to talk about my feelings, and she said I was "wearing her out."  I can totally relate...that's how I've felt, too, for many years...like her unhappiness sucked away my own energy.  Of course that was very self-centered of me.  Even the kids don't see us all coming back together.  They older one said mommy wanted to keep going her own way for far into the future.  The younger one said she didn't see us back together again as a family.  Both kids see this as a new adventure.  I'm proud that's their perspective...makes me feel a little more abandoned, though.